When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize