I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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