I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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