the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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