FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
