just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
