I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
