call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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