i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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