Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize