So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
