so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
