Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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