Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
