I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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