On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
