Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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