There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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