So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
