The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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