Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
