dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
