i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
