I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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