i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
