God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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