Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize