Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
