I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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