Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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