just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
