At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
