I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
