I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
