My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
