The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
