I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
