I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
