I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
