guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
