I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
