Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
