so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
