david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize