you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
