I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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