Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
