Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
