Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
