Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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