Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
