i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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