I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
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