also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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