You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
