i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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