Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
