last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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