I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
