I would go down on you faster than GM stock
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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