So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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