and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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