Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
